My Lonely City

Today was very hard. For a few reasons. A cardinal flew full-tilt into the window at my grandmother’s house where we were visiting, breaking its neck. I watched it die, its wings quivering, its body convulsing and then, within a moment, growing still. My young cousins came over to gawk at it, looking through the glass like a television. I asked my grandma if she had a shovel to bury it with, but she said to throw it over the fence.

I did; it was her house. It fell awkwardly, hitting branches and landing with almost no sound. I hope it finds rest.

After leaving there – my family’s Thanksgiving – we went to my husband’s family’s. And the cousins were all there, with their endearing, hyperactive, generally delightful children running amok.

I miss my baby so much. We would have been parents by now. Tomorrow we have a final Thanksgiving meal, with another cousin (I seem to collect them the way other people collect teapots or ceramic roosters) who is pregnant. I am happy for her and her husband, but I don’t want to hear about her symptoms, or name ideas, or … anything, really. I just don’t want to hear it.

(But then, it’s only 6:40 … a.m. …)

Several studies suggest that light drinking, compared to teetotaling, protects against weight gain around the waistline in women, according to a cheesy diet article written, coincidentally, by a fellow OU grad. Must be true, then, eh? But still, I’m loving it. In a non-McDonald’s kind of way. (Though if McD’s started serving alcohol, I might go there. Well, if they stopped putting dead cows in their french fries, that is… I should get ready, eh? I’m doing no good here.)

So … drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

I saved a baby cricket from working in our office this morning; I know how scared I would be if I was snatched from my surroundings by something roughly two thousand times my size, but still. Just relax; I’m not going to hurt you. Really.

And then when I went to put him down outside, he sat on my hand for a few seconds, and I had to shoo him off onto the ground. I tell you.

So last night my friend and I went to one of our favorite restaurants in Norman, OK, Misal (seriously tasty tabouleh salad, and the veggie samosas are one of my new most frequent cravings), which was busier than it’s ever been because of some unknown event that was screwing up traffic like a game day. We sat behind (before? near? beside?) a large-ish family with two young children who behaved as young children often do. The boy, who was the younger and by far the louder of the two – probably three years? four? – was sitting directly behind me. So as I’m trying to listen to my friend’s conversation I’m hearing a simultaneous stream of “Strawberry shortcake? Where’s the guy? That guy? That guy! There he is!” as the waiter comes over and laughs. (The wait staff are all awesome, too.) So he orders strawberry shortcake, kind of. All sorts of fun. He leaned over the back of my booth at one point to gaze at my purse (which I moved out of his reach … ) but that got shut down pretty fast. It was really more a source of amusement than frustration or annoyance. As the family left, the (I think) grandmother came over and apologized to us. That was … nice, in a way. Refreshing, that someone acknowledge the disruption.

I feel like there’s a great piece of commentary that should slide in here, but I can’t think of it, so I’ll just sign off. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.

“She doesn’t want to make any mistakes where this is concerned.”

–from a prayer request for wisdom regarding a relationship.

I hate living in fear of making mistakes. It makes me make more, but prevents me from making the kind of mistakes I can learn from.

Speaking of things that I like that I don’t even like, I’ve discovered banana bread. I made some because the bananas I bought were ripening far too quickly, and there are only so many bananas you can eat in one day. So I hunted up a recipe and whipped up a loaf. (That sounds vaguely obscene, doesn’t it?) Oh. My. Goodness. It’s delicious! The key, for me, is toasted mixed nuts. I never liked banana bread growing up, but this … this might convert me. I’m going to have to start baking more often. ^_^

P.S. – ShiroiHikari: you were right; the jambalaya was fantastic after sitting a day or two. Mmmmm…

So my Best Friend (at least since 8th grade, which seems like forever ago, so the term actually almost applies, scary as that is) has had a spot of trouble with snoopy out-laws lately. No need to go into the details (nor would I be at liberty to do so even if there was a need), but I got to thinking. I might as well be considerate and save any similar nosies some trouble, if they take a notion to snoop in my direction.

I drink, but I don’t smoke. I curse like a sailor, depending on the company. I don’t do any drugs that have not been specifically prescribed to me by a doctor, and I never have. Except for occasional speeding and an illegal u-turn or two, I have never broken the law. Unless you count jaywalking. I didn’t drink alcohol until I was twenty-one, even when I was in countries (Mexico and New Zealand) whose drinking-age laws would have permitted me to do so. The worst thing I have ever done was made out with a boy who was engaged – engaged! to someone else! what was I thinking?! – on the way back from my senior trip.

I didn’t have sex until after I got married. (Yes, really.) I have never cheated on my husband. I love him very much, and love sharing my life with him. Most of the time it’s easy to love him; sometimes I love him because I promised him I would. Marriage is harder than I thought it would be, but it’s also more rewarding.

I sometimes hate spending time with my family – immediate-ish and extended – because I feel we have very little in common. I spend time with them anyway, because it’s the right thing to do.

I love God but Christians piss me off. I’m a vegan, feminist social critic with dozens of radical, half-formed ideas and almost no-one to bounce them off of. I complain a lot about being lonely and having no-one to talk to, but I don’t seek out any new relationships because I’m a lazy fraidy-cat a lot of the time.

I volunteer. I tithe. I pray. I read the Bible semi-regularly, though not as often as I ought to. I try to understand how God wants me to apply what I read to the way I behave. What I keep coming back to is this: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I tip. I sing loudly in the car by myself. I sometimes preach sermons to people who are not, physically, present with me. I pick up paper towels that bastards in public restrooms throw on the floor. (Sometimes.) I wear underwear when trying on swimming suits.

I have a concealed-carry permit (somewhere). I enjoy shooting bottles and targets, and I’m pretty good at it. I doubt I could shoot a person, though, because I don’t want to be shot. Even in self-defense.

Sometimes I carry insects and spiders outside when they get in; sometimes I kill them. I don’t feel guilty. My cats are both declawed – though I wouldn’t make that decision again.

I lost my first child this year – a missed miscarriage six weeks after conception, discovered around four weeks later. It tore my world apart. I’m getting used to the pieces floating around, and I’m not trying to fit them together yet.

I think too much. But I’m okay with it.

Satisfied?

So tonight I’m trying to make seitan. (‘Say-tan, like the fallen archangel, only with the last syllable “tan” as in tanning booth, rather than “tin” as in tin cup.) It’s a protein dish made from gluten, which is the protein found in wheat. The recipe warned that it would expand when cooking, and to use a big pot.

Well.

I used the biggest pot I have, but unwisely put all three of my hand-sized “cutlets”. Oh. My. Gosh. It was like part ghost busters, part science experiment; all three swelled up to four or five times their original size, big enough around to fill the entire pot. I left them all in for a while, hoping they would … I don’t know. But then I decided to cook one at a time, and let it get all the way “done” before cooking another. Then, I changed my mind again, and put them all three in again.

I think I’ll throw this batch out, and start again later – when it’s not after bedtime when I begin! Ack.

Sorry for the delay; I’ve been on vacation in Galveston for the past week. More on that later.

I just wanted to give a quick note to let you know I’m not dead (or otherwise inconvenienced) and will be returning soon.

And as a temporary nugget: we went with Jared’s family to Chili’s yesterday for lunch. And our waitress, after taking my brother-in-law’s order, recommended a particular dish for him to try – at BJs. (A competing restaurant.) It was funnier in person.

I was going to send individual e-mails to everyone, but I realized I would just be writing the same thing over and over again. So how are you? Anything new and exciting? Keep me posted on what’s going on in your life. ~Christina (05/18/2007)

Hey Christina –

Things are pretty good. I miscarried our first baby three weeks ago, so they could be better, but there you go. I’ve just left one job (an administrative assistant for a Realtor in South Oklahoma City) and will be starting another – as a tech with Jared’s Dad’s telecommunications company, SKShemor – on Monday. I’m excited, but a little nervous, about that. Jared’s doing well & staying busy. His tag-printing business may be expanding later this year depending on how the state legislature rules on some pending temporary used car tag legislation. He’s not doing custom websites anymore, for the most part. We’re still on the board of CAM, helping prep for this year’s summer camps (the eighth year, can you believe?). I realized yesterday that I graduated high school six years ago. That was a jolt, rather; I’d thought I’d be … further along, you know? I’m not sure exactly what I expected from myself then, but I feel like I haven’t quite lived up to it, whatever it was. But things are good. I’ve become a vegan, which is something new and different (and I like new and different – I’m also finding that I like cooking, which is odder still). My closest friend since High School is moving to Texas with her fiance. And I’m thinking again, as I usually do when the weather starts warming up, about finding a hobby besides piddling on the internet and putting off doing dishes. How are things with you?

Yours,

Melissa

I got some beets when I went to the store last week. I’ve never eaten a beet in my life; they’re freaky weird when pickled, and I’d never had much experience with them fresh. So I got them intending to make soup; I found a recipe that didn’t have dairy in it, and I thought I’d give it a try. Well, a few days later, there I was with still unsouped beets, and no time to try it for lunch that day, but the desire to try something new nonetheless. So I juiced them.

And ended up looking somewhat vampiric, carrying around what seemed quite eerily to be a Pinnochio’s glass full of blood, staining the edges of my teeth so that I looked like a vampire bat with a day job. It was so much fun. Yes, the juice was actually pretty good, especially after I put some ice in it, but drinking it and looking at it was the best. I’m totally dressing up as Ms. Dracula for Halloween; I’ll have to go to Hot Topic and get a suitably gothic gown to wear. I’m thinking black & purple, with corset laces.